Why, he’s the guy who tells us all to eat us some good ‘n warm Quaker Oats of course! I’m pretty sure he’s about 500 years old, and has lived solely off of these oats for his entire lifetime. He cannot be killed. He cannot be bargained with. You’ll eat his oats and you’ll like it. You don’t have to like his movie “Cocoon” however, I think even he’s embarrassed about that one too. So onto the game…
A huge dilemma. Which Wilford Brimley are we supposed to pick? The one with the blue pants, white shirt, and white mustache? Or the one with the white pants, blue shirt, and BLUE MUSTACHE!? I dunno, I think the one with the blue mustache is an evil robot. I don’t trust evil robots. I’ll go with the first one.
Before the game begins we find out the real purpose behind the game… Wilford wants to do away with Kelloggs cornflakes, so he makes them out to be like Nazis (ie: “neo-cornflake empire”). So playing as Wilford, it is apparently your job to put an end to Kellogg company once and for all. Sure why not, let’s give it a try…
You start off just outside the Quater Oat INC. headquarters. But it looks as though you’ve stepped onto some gangland territory, a gang known as THE CORNFLAKES! Something weird about this gang though.
They’re all old men, just like Wilford! Perhaps Kellogs has been making Wilford Brimley look-a-likes instead of cereal in an attempt to overthrow his reign of terror here on earth? Well the game doesn’t really go too far into detail as far as the plot goes, but at least we get to beat up some old shmoes.
Now, just like in River City Ransom, after every few boards you get to go shopping at the local mall. In this game, however, in each mall there is an “Oats” store. So of course, you would think that Wilford could go in to one of these fine oaty establishments to buy some oats as a power-up.
Yeah, you’d think that, but you’d be wrong. The store may be called “Oats”, but as you can see, there’s not a single damned oat on the entire menu. Just look at the seething hatred for the waitress in Wilford’s eyes. He wants his oats. He needs his oats. And what to they offer him? Tea and pancakes. That’s just friggin’ great. So, if you’re like me, you buy nothing and move onward.
But before we move on, is it me or are some of the kids that walk around in the mall just a little creepy? I mean, look at this kid. He’s in diapers or “short shorts” and a purple tank-top and I do NOT like how he is staring at Wilford. There’s something horribly wrong on the kids’ mind. Something horribly wrong…
Well I shrugged off the sight of the strange kid, only to be bombarded with a stranger message. Before entering the next gangland territory, I am greeted by a little girl that has a message for me. Kellogs wants me to have a “healthy breakfast and YOGURT ENEMAS.” Dear god Wilford! Have you no shame? We understand that you don’t like Kellogs, but must you expose such sick and twisted things about the company? If there’s an 8-bit Yogurt Enema of Wilford Brimley anywhere in this game, I am shutting it off instantly and then setting my computer on fire. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.
Wilford also sticks subliminal messages all throughout the game, but none are more blatant than this one: “MEN EAT OATS!“. There you have it. If you don’t eat oats, Wilford thinks you’re a sissy pie. But what if you’re a girl? If you eat oats will you be transformed into a man? Well, you girls out there can get back to me on this one I suppose…
Oh god no, he’s taken over the postal service. I remember seeing Wilford Brimley on an episode of Seinfeld where he was the U.S. Postmaster and he FORCED Kramer to accept all of his junkmail. Kramer was ready to cry while Wilford gave him a speech about he doesn’t appreciate having his golfing game interrupted. As scary as that scene may have been, I just figured he was ACTING as the Postmaster. But as you can see in the above picture, Wilford is obviously planning on taking over the U.S. Postal Service and turning it into the U.S. OATS Service! Is there no end to his Oaty Madness!?!?
Well, I made it to Kellogs Headquarters. But I couldn’t find a way in, just a closed front gate. I threw a trashcan at it, but nothing happened. I tried leaping the fence. Still nothing. So I guess I”ll never get a chance to beat the game. But in a way I’m glad. I don’t want to know what horrors Wilford was going to bring onto the world once he destroyed the Kellogs empire. That kind of future is just too grim for me to fathom. I’ll just sit here in peace and eat my oats like a good man. I won’t complain. All I ask is that Wilford stays the hell away from me. I don’t think I’m asking for too much.
Click the “Smack Him” Button to see the Oat-fueled Fury of Wilford Brimley!
take that DIABEETISsss LOL
*** You too can play Wilford Brimley Battle! ***
I-Mockery review of River City Ransome Hack!